I am seriously thisclose to cutting off all ties with men who are not related to me by blood. Every time I turn around lately I find another dexter with a boner in my face giving me suggestions on what to do with it. How about NOTHING, stumpy? Can't a girl ever just go out and have fun without alcohol clouding your judgment to the point where you think it's somehow okay to sexually harass me?
The worse offenders aren't even strangers, they are my own friends. If I can't do my own thing without interference from my own kind, what can I do? I surround myself with man friends not only because they are usually fun and cool, but also because they serve the dual purpose of cock-blocking would-be admirers who have both too much alcohol in their blood and too much misplaced confidence in their pick up abilities. Guys are wonderful about running interference when their lady friends are getting hit on by some weird looking schmuck. All it takes is an arm slung casually around my shoulder, and the doofus usually gets the hint and stumbles off.
But lately, the proverbial arm around the shoulder is remaining there, stroking my back through my shirt. I generally tend to think nothing of it, since said arm belongs to a friend and clearly, since he just chased off some other weiner, he understands that I am not looking for ANY weiner, even his... right? Right!? Apparently not. Apparently I am giving mixed signals, so maybe it's my fault. From what I can tell, my mixed signals including dancing with a girlfriend and having fun (nothing overtly sexy... I wasn't even the one who used the stripper pole!), laughing at jokes that are funny, accepting random hugs from said group of guy friends, and complaining to a certain guy friend about how I resent being treated like a sex object... only to have him turn around and craftily proposition me. Hello... where were you during that conversation where I poured my heart out to you about how situations like this make me feel bad? Were you just watching my tits move as I talked, and waiting for me to shut up?
Here's some free hints about me that I think pertain to all women. You're welcome in advance. 1) Just because we put out an easy going vibe doesn't mean we are actually easy 2) Even if we slept with you in the past, you don't have cart blanche when it comes to our vagina 3) The best trick to getting into our pants is to pay attention when we talk! You WILL be quizzed later 4) If I haven't slept with you in the past year, chances are slim to none that I will ever sleep with you again 5) If you're trying to bang me, DON'T talk about how hot my friend is. Do you want me or her? Did the threesome thing, it was unimpressive, and not happening ever again 6) If you can't even be bothered to learn the most rudimentary things about me (like, my last name) your chances of scoring are minuscule. The chances of me kicking you in the nuts for being a pig, however, are much higher.
Most of the men I am bitching about here are actually pretty good guys most of the time. But lately this sort of treatment has gotten out of control. I did not name names because I don't want to embarrass anyone (besides, they know who they are), but the fact that I had to make this post in the first place, as a last resort to get my point across, is disheartening. If this post offends the people it is about, that's too damn bad. Think of how offended I was when you were being inappropriate with me. If this post is a wake up call, and they start treating me like the friend I supposedly am, instead of like a hole with a person attached to it, then I accomplished what I set out to do. If, however, this post makes me lose said men as friends, then that is a sad thing, but if that is the case, than clearly they are not the people I thought they were, and they dont fucking deserve my friendship anyway.