When I awoke in the jail cell, I was dotted with bruises and still had the thick taste of desert air in my throat. On wobbly legs I pulled myself upright and wavered, the lightheaded feeling nearly knocking me out flat again. I coughed and watched as golden flecks of sand ejaculated from my mouth and fluttered to the floor, taking on the magical quality of falling stars. A strange though not unfamiliar sensation was coming over me again. I braced myself against it and tried to figure out how I ended up here.
The last thing I remember was driving through the desert, drag racing my car against two male strangers in a red muscle car that kept laughing and shooting cute smiles my way. In my junky little Cutlass Supreme, I struggled to keep up and got the distinct impression that the men in the penis mobile were screwing with me, that if they so chose to they could gun it and leave me behind in a cloud of dust and embarrassment. Why the charade? Was it because I looked especially cute in my tank top and new sunglasses? Or was it simply the fact that there was nothing else to do out here in the middle of nowhere?
After that things got foggy. I had flashes of memory that involve the police chasing after us, sirens blaring as if the end of the world was near. I believe that I bit my arresting officer. I seem to remember the red car speeding out of my peripherals as I was being handcuffed and tossed into the back of the squad car, hoping to God that the beautiful strangers would get away.
I don't know how long I was in lockdown until my father showed up. He towered over me, tall as a giant, and for the first time I looked past his mustachioed face and thinning hair, and saw the mixture of disappointment, sadness and fear in his eyes that was magnified even more by his cokebottle glasses. He was quite the wild man himself back in his day; I assumed something like this would make us chuckle together over our after-dinner beers. But instead he just looked pained and told me it was time to go home.
As he was signing me out at the front desk, I stared hard at the police officer who was blatantly lying to my dad. His version of events involved me spinning donuts in the sandbar at a local golf course. I snickered when he said that when they came upon me I was pushing a red toy car across my dashboard while yelling insults at it. Where did he come up with that? Instead of being amused my dad flushed and stammered something about me being off my medication. I don't believe it. I'm surrounded by liars.
I get outside and climb into the backseat of my dad's car, pleased to find that my daughter is strapped into her car seat where I had left her earlier that day. I coo and pat her hand as my dad starts up the engine and begins to drive, shooting me worried glances in the rearview mirror as we go. Within twenty minutes we have pulled up in front of my boyfriend's apartment, and I lean back in my seat and sigh.
"I already talked to Mark and he agreed to watch you while your mother and I are at work. So don't give him any crap."
I laugh and quickly unfasten baby Katie from her plastic confinement and jump out of the car before my father can object. Once I'm safe on the sidewalk I turn back and wave gaily, than stick out my tongue and make horrible faces once he pulls away. Who does he think he is? I am a grown woman who just had the adventure of her life; where's the admiration? As I head into Mark's apartment I drop Katie once but she barely cries; she's such a good girl.
Mark opens the door and asks why I am carrying a doll, but I cut him off and start to kiss him so fiercely I feel that my lips will fall off. I am not in the mood the least bit, but I've played this game before. The only good warden is a placated one. After we're finished he falls asleep like I hoped he would, and I slip out of bed, bundle up Katie and head off into wherever the night will carry us.
Once I get outside I am stunned to see my car out front. So much for being impounded! I hop in, toss Katie into the back, stick in my favorite CD and turn the key, which was thoughtfully left in the ignition. As I turn onto the highway I start to hear things; my Pink Floyd is sounding suspiciously like some cheesy country tune. I turn off the offending music and continue to sing along right where I left off, at the top of my lungs. I fiddle with the perfume in the cup holder and spray until the whole car smells like flowers. I don't know what else to do.
Then it appears before me, like an oasis. A Wal-Mart! What a great idea. I needed to do some shopping anyway. I find a parking place, grab Katie and walk through the automatic doors, which snap shut after me so fast I can hear the woman behind me groan as she is squished to death. I place Katie in the cart and begin my slow decent down the long, hypnotic isles.
For the first time in days, everything makes sense and seems to be at peace. People rush past me in slow motion, dragging their brats behind them. The fluorescent lights hum like a lullaby. The frozen foods isle is pleasantly cold and the individual compartments seem to breathe in and out as I walk past them. I'm about to reach in one and grab some much-needed ice cream, when I notice a strange glow before me and turn to its source.
It's a family; a grandmother, her daughter and son-in-law, and the grandson. The boy is about ten and playing with a laser pen. I look past him and notice that the older people are taking up the entire isle. How rude! I approach slowly, hoping they will notice me and move before I have to say anything. They don't. I stand and stare for a moment, and when the old woman turns to look at me, before I can stop myself, I burst out with a single word.
"BITCH!"
The family turns and gasps. The mother pulls her little boy closer like I am a rabid dog that is ready to attack.
"Do you mind moving your crap out of my way? I have things to do, lady. And standing here staring at your fat ass isn't one of them!"
The old woman, who doesn't look the least bit surprised, opens the brittle pink hole in her face and croaks "Go around."
I pause. A stranger has never challenged me before. My family has, and I was able to take them down easily. Who does this lady think she is? What makes her think that she will win? I feel the confusion abating, replacing itself with rage. My body goes loose and rubbery. I want to hit her, but I can't. What's a girl to do?
I run. I had to get out of there. I head back into the parking lot and start to sob when I can't find my car. It's just plain not there. I cover every inch of the parking lot and turn up empty handed. I sit down on the curb and realize that Katie is no longer with me. Better so. She would have probably just ended up getting hurt anyway.
Suddenly my parents show up, as if by magic. They hustle me into their car and hand me tissues as I look out the window and cry. My mom explains that I am headed back to the hospital until they can get me under control. I don't say a word but feel more alone than ever before. When we arrive tall, burly Gus is waiting for me, and this time I don't give him any trouble. He leads me inside like a prisoner.
Once I'm back in my old room the fear sets in, and I start to struggle. Escape is my only hope. Gus and two nurses hold me down while a third jabs a needle into my rear. I gradually relax and let myself drift off peacefully. I return to the place where disembodied hands and feet are encased inside shiny bubbles. A place where clocks run backwards and a sea of eyeballs burst spontaneously at random intervals. Where deserts end in cliffs and are inhabited by little old ladies who may have not existed in the first place. A place that is much more interesting than reality.
