So the whole "dating Hasher" situation is over. It lasted only over the weekend. That's a new record for me. And the end came about in the most unexpected way... my own head actually made the decision, not the advice of my friends, or remembering how things turned out last time. In fact, I came to the same conclusion about boys in general. Why should I be out there, trying to impress and giving but not receiving when ultimately, I'M the one who gets to decide whats going to happen? It's so simple and true I feel stupid for not getting it before. All I really need to do is look cute, be my usual sweet self, and sit back and let THEM do all the charming, because the whole goal (sex) so obviously rests in the woman's hands. It was stupid to try so hard to please one guy, rearrange my entire schedule for another guy, and set a boyfriend trap for yet another. THEY should have been the ones willing to accommodate ME. I'm definately worth it. Not that I wouldn't have been willing to compromise, but come on! And I'm not berating these guys, because they're all good people, but I gave off the vibe that I was willing to compromise myself and bend to their will, which is pathetic and useless.
It helps that I'm friends with all of them again. When i reread my journal entries since New years, I realized that since then I've had 17 pseudo-relationships. 17 and nothing to show for it, except a few new friends and a lot of wasted effort. And after sitting with Hash at the hospital all day Friday after his scuffle with the cops, I decided that I did NOT want to spend the rest of my days as someones nursemaid. Yes, he is exciting and dangerous, but with all the time he spends in trouble, I will be lonlier then ever. So Hash is donzo. And instead of being panic stricken, I feel more confident about myself than I have in months... its like I'm dancing and twirling in the middle of an empty stage, and instead of feeling lonely I feel alive and beautiful and free. I usually can't be satisfied unless I have an audience of adoring fans. But now I don't care if there's anyone out there at all.