Originally posted February 3, 2010
It's a slow Wednesday and I have no work, so instead of being a bum in pj's channel surfing all day, I decide to be productive and run some errands. Being late afternoon in the middle of the week, one would expect light traffic and cautious drivers. Not so, at least not in this town.
Driving down Highway 14, I come across The Road Warrior. This hot shot in a minivan is coming up behind me fast. Thinking he would move around me into the left lane was just silliness on my part. Dale Earnhart Jr. proceeds to practically spoon my vehicle as we drive. I stay at my normal pace since I've seen tons of highway patrol on this stretch as of late, and to passive-agressively piss this dillhole off, I let off the crusie control and go a bit slower. I check my rearview and sure as shit, the dude is mouthing probable obscenities and gesticulating wildly like he's having a seizure. Surely, you think, he's not switching lanes because of all the traffic in the left. Actually, we seemed to be the only two vehicles on the road at the moment. When I take the desired exit, Speedicus back there was finally able to kick his rusted-out shitbox into 80 and drive away.
I turn off Madison Ave into a parking lot when low and behold, I'm cut off by a fat guy heaving his ginormous penismobile of a truck into the Taco Bell drive-thru. I slam on the brakes and am rewarded with an eye-to-eye stare down. Now I'm not here to judge. Perhaps in your haste to ingest soggy burritos and deal with the accompanying bouts of the runs, you forgot that a turn signal and slowing down are tantamount to making a hard left. Or maybe you're diabetic and needed food in your guts NOW. Or maybe youre just an inconsiderate douche who cant be bothered to watch where he's going. Whatever the case, I was undoubtedly impressed that you were able to flip me off and hold a Twinkee with the same hand. Bravo, bitch-tits.
Nearing home, I come across the chick-who-can't-drive-but-thinks-she-can. To be fair, she could be a prefectly adequet driver if she were to focus on that task alone. But this girl was gabbing away merrily on her cell phone, not bothering to notice the light she was stopped at had turned green and a line of impatient motorists was forming behind her stagnant ass. Multi-tasking is not for everyone, especially people who are stupid and uncoordinated. And good for you if you try... just do it when you arent crammed behind 2 tons of metal death in a crowd seething with road rage. Bad things can happen to you. After a howling symphony of horns, Chatty Cathy finally remembers what she was doing and drives off, but not before fixing the people behind her an evil glare in her rearview mirror.
Home safely! I pull into my garage and notice that my parking space is douched with snow, since the plow guy is apparently unaware that spot is a place where someone genereally uses for parking, and decided it would be an excellent idea to unload a mountain of snow there. What a perfect end to a perfectly craptastic day
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